WHY WOMEN STILL NEED TO PLAY THE GAME NOW MORE THAN EVER.

Image by: Cecile Bahnsen

Article BY VERONIKA MAKOVEY

Equality is currently on the tip of everyone’s tongue and the conversation is ever evolving. The fact is, equality as a concept is so multi-layered and complex. If people are brave enough to contemplate climbing the equality tree it could lead even the toughest of hikers onto a wobbly branch that they wouldn’t feel secure placing their body weight on top of (and before you ask, that wasn’t a reference to consent). Whether the term is morphed into feminism, sexism, disability or racism the prevalence should rather be on creating a world where the emphasis is on one’s humanity and their core essence rather than the societal norms that surround or are imposed upon the individual. Truth be told, whether we like it or not, we are still living in a patriarchal world. This is evident from our marriage procedures, unequal pay in some professions, the lack of rights women have regarding abortion, the number of men holding position in government and even what some women are forced wear in some countries. This isn’t to say that thousands of men aren’t in alliance with equality and wanting a world that is just, there are so many men who are progressive and vocalise their thoughts when they feel an injustice. However, too many men are being ignorant and naïve in that they are simply carrying on living and repeating past behaviours that were deemed perfectly acceptable. So even though it would be easier to get this later party to just remove the blinkers and see the world for how it is, change in thought isn’t that simple. To change requires education and an open-mindedness or readiness to accept new thought processes and information.

So you’ve mentioned rules, what are these rules and how on earth do they relate to equality? Well let me tell you…..

At some point in your female adult life, usually when you’re well and truly through the throes of dating and have reached a point of angst and realisation that some girls are somewhat more talented or equipped to handle the dating game than you are, you begin to realise that dating is exactly that… a game. In every game there are rules to play to make it an even playing field, and why might we need rules when we are trying to find the love of our life and true soulmate? (well that might just be a mythological thing altogether, according to Alain de Buton and Esther Perell, as now we aren’t just putting pressure on ourselves and men for that matter to be our best friend, our life partner, to be the one who truly understands us without communication but we also now need them to be a spiritual soulmate and it ain’t gonna work out unless the divine has blessed it alright? Sidenote: Please read or listen to Alain and Esther’s podcasts and books if you want further elaboration, they do a much better job of it). In the dating world, the rules serve a purpose; they allow us to be seen by men but also put us on the same communication stage where men start to see us in a new light, a respectable glow if you may, and start to chase us and crave the excitement, after all they are the predecessors of hunters.

So if a fellow sister or woman in your life hasn’t been so kind as to give you the run down of the rules, let me give you the play by play:

Rule Number 1: Men love the mystery and chase. Don’t be putting all your cards on the table in the hope of being entirely up front so that he truly knows you’re down. This also refers to your availability, responding to his every beck and call and clearing your schedule just in case he wants to hang out that day is a no no. You are your priority and you need to prioritise the things in your world, after all that’s what men do.

Rule Number 2: Men love confidence so long as it’s not in their faces and bordering on obnoxious. Be confident in yourself, your abilities, thoughts and ideas. Don’t let self-doubt be seeping into your psyche (it’s normal to have those thoughts, but just try to push it back down when it pops up). If you have an opinion, own it, let your voice be heard, just ensure you embrace other people’s ideas when they have merit. This rule goes if you’re out and about, desperation can be smelt and it ain’t pleasant. 

Rule Number 3: Men love to joke around. Rather than being super serious and going gung-ho about how important feminism is, change their thoughts with your quick wit. Joking around shows that you don’t take everything, including yourself, too seriously which is really attractive. Jokes are a powerful means of breaking down comfort barriers and drawing people in. But please always maintain your feminine decorum, no man wants to hear crude words coming out of a female’s mouth. Even if the ‘c’ word is about your own body part, it just doesn’t sound pretty.

Rule Number 4: Be in the same arena. Rather than staying on the treadmill and heading off to your private pilates sanctuary bubble head to the weights section. Heck, they might only be 2kgs hand weights but you’ve got a hell of bigger chance of sparking up a conversation and being noticed than if you were nestled in between the lady of the epilateral machine getting her steps up and the Mr. Married for 50 years who is only at the gym to watch the fishing channel as his teenage daughters have discovered Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Rule Number 5: Dress like a woman and show those curves if you want to get noticed. Is this sexist? Yes. Is this objectifying? Yes. However, it pays to know that men are visual creatures. They look with their eyes, hence why porn has such high ratings. Do men want to date porn stars.. most of the time no. But it does give them an unlimited opportunity to oogle at the female body, which they really do appreciate. So dress to your shape, show it off and then show off your mind simultaneously when you have their attention. 

Rule Number 6: As the Aussies say Treat ‘em mean… keen ‘em keen (yes we abbreviate and shorten everything.. that’s not a myth). This rule is all about teasing playfully to keep their interests elevated, this isn’t however being a bitch. I’ve noticed far too many men of late unfortunately being shut down immediately before they’ve even said “hey” in bars so hurtfully, as men now have a ‘Asshole approaching’ sign floating above their heads irrelevant of whether they’re a good guy.

So, how are these rules relevant to our everyday interactions with the male specie whom we don’t fancy a bonk with? And why do we need to follow rules and work around how males think, if we’re so desperate to try reach a point of equality in our world? Well, to answer a question with a question, when did we just momentarily forget the old adage that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? We are fundamentally programmed, designed and built differently. Throughout nature the chase and game is as prevalent as ever… a doe will walk around for weeks on end to tease a buck and female Adelie penguins busy themselves building nests out of rock and will only mate with the male that brings her a suitable rock (but watch out if two rocks are brought by two different suiters). We are wired so differently for the purpose of survival and evolution that we were never supposed to be the same. Growing up I was always told that being different was a beautiful thing, that you wanted to be unique, think differently and be your own truest self. Although this was coming from a migrant mother, who was probably just helping the poor curly frizzy tanned child with the Italian leather Mary-Janes and frilly socks not feel like such an outcast amongst the Clarks clad kids in Sydney. So rather than being discordant the rules can be something for us to keep us in mind to ensure we are all aware that the other team will be coming at us with their own game plan and that we need to have our own tactics too. The purpose of rules are to help establish expectations and provide guidelines within which to conduct daily business activities. They are also there regulate compliance.

And it’s as simple as that 7 lettered word… empathy.. having a deep understanding of another person’s thinking and where that thought process might originate from. When you know what’s going on beneath the surface you can counteract the weeds and add some fertiliser before trimming back the old leaves to ignite the growth of new ones…. You catching on to my gardening analogy?

The overall pace in which our world is spinning is so fast at the moment, the need for mindfulness and presence hasn’t been more pressing, as this state of conscious thought and understanding could be the ultimate cure for the general state of chaos. After speaking with a great deal of women through my work who have been married for over 25 years, they all said the same thing, if they could give one word of advice it would be ‘compromise’. They all said that this is the one thing that held their relationship together. So perhaps we can all carry that piece of wisdom across to all of our interactions with men, not just the ones we have convinced to buy us a shiny sparkler.